I never intended to go on a tour around the world alone, I always wanted to do this with someone I love. My original plans were to go on the camino the santiago all alone to get to know myself better and confront myself with my mind and thoughts. Doing this, I thought, would make me a better self and get me nearer to finding my purpose and accept things about myself and clarifying things.
After my journey alone I wanted to go to Italy with one of my best friends to enjoy and discover Italy, learn Italian and also just be outdoors a lot, cause we intended to not sleep indoors but outdoors with self-built hammocks. It sounded all so well and I looked forward to it.
Some months back then I met a girl and fell in love with her, unfortunately she left to New Zealand, which was a fixed plan she had since we first met. So it came that I then somewhen decided to follow her example and travel the world together with her, as I always wanted to do this and also always wanted to explore NZ. I booked a flight with no insurance of cancelling because why would I, I love her what should happen? I canceled my flat and everything that comes with it and told my boss that I won’t continue working after the first of June. Things were good at first but developed in a way not very pleasant. She didn’t text a lot, I became very clingy as love is sth. very important to me and I finally found it, we kinda distanced in my perception. After all she was traveling NZ, understandable that she wants to enjoy the moment and not be on her phone all the time. So things were super hard for me but I always looked forward to the first of June as this would be the day my flight was and two days later I would have her in my arms. Looking back now, I made myself super dependent on her, which is the worst thing I could have done as it forbade me to live my own life and focus on my priorities. But well, as mentioned before, feeling loved and having a relationship is/was super important to me and a dream I never had fulfilled until then so I gave all my energy into remaining that dream and making it come true.
As things were as they were and days and weeks passed by, I mostly had sorrow and asked myself questions like: “What if she meets someone and drops me?” In my heart though, I felt that she loved me and would never trade me in for somebody else. I also told her about my concerns and she told me that she understands them but she is on that journey for “me, myself and I only” and is not looking for love. So I believed her as I think so did she. When I was in Singapore on vacation then, one day I again had doubts and told myself that everything is gonna be alright and that I love her. When I opened up my eyes and looked at my phone I saw that I had a text from her, I opened it up and it read:
“I met someone… I didn’t want to tell you before cause I didn’t know on how serious it would be for me … but it turns out it is pretty bad…” Followed by more stuff saying that she doesn’t want to hurt me (sure) and she still wants to travel with me. Well what should I say, it broke my heart… I even get tears in my eyes now, when I write about this. All the times telling myself that everything’s gonna be alright, were for nothing and what I feared became truth. I didn’t know what to feel, do or think and I still don’t. It was the biggest dream of mine and I thought it was about to fulfill and then – all of a sudden – it was shattered in pieces by the one person I loved most, foolishly more than myself. A stab in the heart. All that paired with the words of her saying I mean so much to her. So hard to believe at that moment. We were on a pool party that day but I was a total wreck, of no use to anyone and I walked a lot to process what had just happened.
Looking back, I was foolish to make myself so dependent on somebody else. My mood was totally dependent on how often she texted me and what she said. Me, Max Müller, a person that normally just does his thing and doesn’t think a lot about how it might be perceived and is happy all the way through, now is bound to the words of one single woman. Crazy. After all, the breakup made it possible for me to enjoy my own life again fully, focus on things I want to achieve and not be constantly thinking of someone else. I was back to the happy guy at work and in life I used to. Just so you don’t get this wrong, I wasn’t acting sorrowed all the time but I often felt it.
So skipping forward to the present moment. I am two weeks from flying to NZ and I am going to be fetched by her and some other persons she travels with including her boyfriend. My emotions feel like being constantly mixed by a tumbler. I am super curious on how I will react. She still wants to travel with me but I don’t think I want to, especially not with her boyfriend around. The guy also offered to leave, so I can travel with her but I don’t want that, as I don’t know if I can cope with her anyways. If I could have canceled the flight without having to pay so much, I would have done it, but well.
So the stuff I wanted to do – going on the camino de santiago and traveling with my beloved friend – I traded for a journey I never wanted to take alone. I am welcoming that opportunity though, as traveling alone is also going to teach me a lot about myself aswell. So we will see how everything is going to develop.
Yours Max Müller